[ WARNING // may contain triggering content ]
Dear human aliens through the digital wormhole ,
We’re all alive , right ? We all have consciousness , yes ? We have our brain as a tool and the body as a boat to wear , yes ? The material plane ( & by extension ; the phone and digital landscape ) is just a playground for the soul within the alien human body and mind to densify light into matter , nu ?
Labels are convenient easy ways ( like highway signs along the route ) to navigate the lower/lesser evolved & underdeveloped terrains of consciousness - yes ?
Do we condemn another to a particular transitory state of being - slapping on a label and then like a tattoo - impregnating the ink into the being itself ? Or can labels act as a pathfinder , when the shadows seem immense and persistent without refrain ?
on that note :
What is ghosting , narcissism , dismissive avoidant attachment style , gaslighting , internalised homophobia , hypocrisy ?
What is all of this really ?
In many way - this is exactly what I experienced all of last year & part of reason I have made my blog private , made my general website an archival portfolio , taken myself off Instagram ( temporarily ) and generally out of the art spotlight - is because of the effects of the above actions / labels ….
So lets define each one of these labels - based on my personal experience and their psychological effects :
Ghosting : this is an act where someone you have a deep intimate connection with - suddenly disappears - turning you into a ghost in their life & them into a ghost in yours . Their exit strategy is often to say something like - “…I am going away for a few weeks - i’ll contact you when I am back…” and then when they appear back on social media but ignore your messages and calls - you know this was never the case & an avoidance tactic to evade the pain of confrontation and finality .
This causes the one who has been ghosted deep pain which does not subside over time - it just changes in how that pain is approached …. there might be denial in the beginning , attempts to contact the person through desperate measures , reaching out to mutual connections when feeling as if one is drowning , wondering what one has done wrong and feeling deep remorse as well as utter confusion as to the whole situation , feeling anger towards the other , excusing their behaviour , suddenly being very afraid of trusting anyone and feeling all will eventually abandon you and thus removing oneself entirely from the social sphere of life in general & essentially fulfilling the ghoster’s wish : becoming the ghost .
Being a ghost while still alive - as well as young and on the precipice of one’s career - is incredibly painful . There are no words to describe this terrible trauma - it affects all areas of life - all I can say is I hope you ( whoever is reading this private blog ) will never experience it & I hope I am able to alchemise/express the trauma associated with it through my art .
••••
Ok - now that that’s out of the way - let’s talk about the next one - the infamous Narcissism :
What is Narcissism ? This is a complex subject as there are varying degrees of narcissism and different styles of it -
There is the blatant over the top obvious version where the being afflicted with this mental illness makes grandiose actions always about themselves , performs their chosen persona and personality ( mask ) on the stage of life with desperate vigour and has little to no original thought and can only act as a mirror for others . You can see this in the way a narcissist responds in text form to you or in their official pieces of writing . Often they will simply mime the being in front of them - this is very charming & as most people require some form of external validation - it is difficult to spot a narcissist immediately . This covert narcissistic style of being is very alluring as it appears empathetic in nature but is in fact a tactic ( unconscious or not ) used to lure in their “victim” …
When and if a narcissist finds an echoist - or someone insecure in themselves and highly giving and empathetic - they strike gold . They play this beautiful prize slowly ( as they are incredibly patient ) building up their trophy with compliments & listening ears . Then slowly they start to use this person ( with the art of compliments ) .
Let’s look at an example :
If their “victim” is a skilled writer , they might ask this being to edit their professional papers and then give little to no credit to this person - once the work is complete . Often however , they don’t need to ask an echoist this at all - they’ll simply need to talk about how they have no time to complete said project and how they love the beautiful writing style of their victim - and then the echoist will of course jump at the opportunity to assist in helping the narcissist win , as this feeds their own need for external validation and praise - they received from the narcissist .
Eventually however , all masks are broken and all stands nude in truth .
If an echoist and a narcissist grow deeply intimate , the echoist becomes highly tuned into the narcissist and who they are underneath their bravado and mask ; typically there’s deep fear and insecurity in being who they truly are underneath - thus their need for an echoist .
The echoist ( empath ) will remember the small details often forgotten by the narcissist , ( who although is usually very tightly wound and controlled - can have moments of letting down this guard - especially when they feel they've found a safe and trustworthy space with the echoist ) .
The echoist ( over time ) may gain confidence and sense of self-worth and value ( which will be expressed in an underdeveloped/developing egoic tendencies ) & will eventually start to feel unease and dissatisfaction by the lack of external validation or credit they receive from the narcissist . Things will start to feel one-sided - but the echoist ( now developing their sense of value ) will still not know how to express this .
At this point - there is usually a breakage between the two characters - the narcissist falls into their own reflection and loses all sense of reality and the value of others as living and breathing human beings & the echoist turns into an echo of their former self :
either becoming a complete recluse and growing bitter and lacking trust in anyone outside of themselves - proclaiming they love being alone ( as this gives them a sense of control which they interpret as stability ) .
or - taking on traits of the narcissist themselves - and suddenly seeking , needing , & proclaiming their own beauty in a desperate measure to assert their own existence into the world - but often through covert tactics where they continue to “help” others - but only so they can themselves feel valuable - it is why we see many “healer” types or “activist” types as actually covert narcissists , who were once echoists …
the third option is the hardest response - but in my opinion - the most wholesome - they retreat , reflect , go through a very dark night of the soul and ego death , and come back , arisen , compassionate and whole . ( But we’ll get into this final response later at the end of this post … )
••••
It is at this point we turn now to our next label : dismissive avoidant attachment style !
As you might begin to see - each one of these labels has parallels or a connection to the other . A narcissist will usually ghost once they’ve been revealed . Similarly - a ghoster and a narcissist may simply be a D.A. - so what is this ?
This is a style of relating in ( typically ) intimate relationships - usually involving a DA & an AA ( anxious attachment style partner ) : these two characters play off beautifully and perfectly with each other and follow a particular “dance step routine” that seems to be common in across all/most DA/AA relationships .
The anxious one will be over-giving , overly attentive ( thus making them excellent keepers of details ) , and eventually these seemingly positive heavenly traits turn sour and become their inverted shadow versions of themselves ; the anxious one will suddenly become clingy , needy , expecting too much of their partner , and obsessed with over-analyzing and caught in a web of small details - rather than the over arching picture - essentially - they are a fly caught in a web .
Meanwhile , the dismissive avoidant one will at first appear the listening ear , space-holder , and always seem cool , collected , grounded & in control . In time , these same traits will also turn themselves inside out & suddenly become coldness , constriction or being tightly wound , unable to look beyond the practicalities of things and into the emotionality of these same themes … this usually occurs - when the relationship becomes too real and intimate for both parties to handle …
As the AA becomes more and more needy , the DA becomes more and more aloof and will start to use strategic tactics to remove themselves slowly ( without being noticed - at least they hope ) from the relationship altogether . They may state things such as ;
you’re too good for me and I don’t deserve you - I wish you’d find someone good enough to be with
I can’t be what you want me to be right now
I can’t give you what you want/need right now
I have to focus on myself right now and my own journey
As the DA states these things ( they think they are being gentle and generous ) the AA becomes more and more anxious as they can sense them moving away . The anxious one loves confrontation , bluntness , honesty , and wants to dive into all the nooks and crannies of a relationship , whereas a dismissive avoidant type prefers to evade these same subjects .
Eventually , the dismissive one will disappear , when the anxious one’s clinginess ( in response to the subtle removal strategies the dismissive one has been slowly implementing ) becomes too much . This is why this is really a two-player dance routine …
When the two are separated - each has their own way of processing the ending of the connection . The dismissive one will typically and initially feel a sense of relief and freedom from the claws of the anxious one . As response , they will celebrate their new “freedom” by partying , glorifying their new shackle-less existence through extensive posting on social media their joy and happiness and strength . They will also involve and distract themselves in various “creature-comforts” that they’ve always turned to for solace and a sense of wholeness in the past - for some this may be work , others it may be a hobby of some kind or passion . It could also be altruistic work of some kind such as healing modules , etc - as this offers the dismissive an opportunity to siphon their unresolved pain by extracting it from others and helping someone outside of themselves “heal” - this is a form of masculine-style mourning where pain is externalised or projected into an outside vessel … in any case - it is some placeholder they can project and inseminate their unprocessed trauma and subconscious pain from the now concluded relationship . Many DA’s also focus on another relationship where of course the same issues they found in the previous one , repeat themselves eventually in this new or renewed one …
Meanwhile , the anxious one falls into a pit of despair after the initial denial stage . They question what they did wrong and go through a process very similar to a ghostee .. it is a very unhealthy situation for both sides throughout the entire process and leaves both parties - scarred or jaded .
The reason behind these behavioral response patterns inside intimate relationships is usually due to past experiences either from childhood or early adulthood relationships . In other words - these are trauma-responses ingrained in the sub/unconscious mind of the human being & are NOT representative of these beings on a soul level . They are traits & thus like costumes - they can be taken on or off …
I mention this as a preface to the conclusion of this writing piece - in other words - it is important to regard all these labels as just that - labels that represent a state of being - but not the being itself …. ( we will get into this at the end … )
••••
Gaslighting :
Ok ! So here’s a fun one … what is gaslighting , based on my personal experience with it ?
Again - I want to reiterate :
All that I am sharing in this blog is based off of my own personal experience with these themes - I do not claim to be an expert in them , nor am I professional psychologist - I am simply a human being who has experienced the pain each one of these states of being ( or , labels ) has had on me , personally . As you may gather in my text , I am the one who was ghosted . I am the one who was an echoist . I am the one who was anxiously attached . And in this example , I am the one who was gaslighted ….
So what is it ?
Gaslighting is when a truth is slowly changed over time in subtle ways , so that the one who this is done to , eventually begins to question their sense of reality , their sanity , and their memory of events past . The truth is twisted so subtly , yet profoundly , that the “victim” can and usually will react in desperate ways - they may reach out to mutual contacts hoping to convince these other third parties that their view is real and true , or because they are desperate for support and can feel their entire reality slipping away . Of course , this does not help the situation , but usually makes it worse . For the one who does the gaslighting , is typically in a position of power ( in some way ) more than the one who is gaslit - who is usually already insecure within themselves . So , although the now desperate gaslit one will attempt to grasp at strings of support through reaching out to mutual connections , etc - it is usually the one who is doing the gaslighting who “wins” when they later on convince these same mutual connections , that the one who is being gaslit is either “crazy” , deeply wounded and psychologically stunted or problematic in some way , etc etc . They will use either accusatory tactics or play the empath - stating they could not care for this poor wounded individual any longer . In this way they evade any responsibility for their actions in this two-player tango .
Meanwhile , they have also been stoking the fire of insecurity within the gaslit one so much so that it would appear to the outer and unopened blind eye - that they are in fact correct - and the smear campaign thus usually works in completely isolating the one who is gaslit and erasing their respect and value from society at large . It is as if they wear a scarlet letter now - although this branding ( just as it goes in the original story by Nathaniel Hawthorne ) usually creates unnecessary shame , guilt , and a feeling of always being on the outside or outskirts of acceptable societal behaviour . ( I will also talk more about this theme in the next label - internalised homophobia . )
Regardless - it is a terribly painful and isolating experience for the one who is gaslit and afterwards , general communication and trust with others is eradicated , as is an ability to share one’s true self or work ( especially if it is creative/art work - as it is for me ) with the public for fear of being judged or in some way banished or told they are wrong or crazy or irrelevant . The feelings of insecurity , gaslighting stirs up in the one this is done to , are extremely painful and difficult to overcome & require time , and a profound amount of inner strength and love in order to surpass …. I do not recommend the experience to anyone .
—~~>
On the other side , we might ask - why does the gaslighter do what they do ? Why ? Of course , there are many reasons why , and it really depends on the individual story of each human being going through this horrible theme … but generally , it seems to be a response to covering up a part of themselves they wish the public would not see - a part of themselves they themselves wish not to see , a part of themselves - they are ashamed and afraid of …. so turning it into a falsehood is easier for the fearful egoic mind to handle , rather then sifting through the truth of the matter of their soul-self and song … it is quite sad …
••••
That leads us into our second-to-final label ~ internalised homophobia : what is it ?
From my understanding and personal experience , this is when the queer aspect of the self is suppressed and internalised so much , that its’ only exit strategy is to either hate the very thing they love ( being gay ) , exaggerate their heterosexuality through style and activity , shroud the original queer desire inside the art of phantasy/fantasy in some form - this could be through performance/art ( if the human being experiencing this is a creative type ) , or through support/activism towards those out and proud of the closet . Projection of the desired self is also used : queer stars and artworks ( through shows , characters , etc ) are worshipped , and subtext and complex closet relationships are implemented .
A queer relationship perpetuated through online engagement becomes a perfect closet-case outlet for the one who is afraid to be outright gay . Finding another equally insecure partner to engage in this way is always a good option as this allows both parties to temporarily appease their desire for each other and to be gay , but without commitment to the identity of being queer .
These same people will often outwardly proclaim they are huge supporters of the “queer community” by engaging in parades , festivals , surrounding themselves with queer and non-binary friends , wearing a non-binary/queer label with pride , making their work and studies about this subject - and generally becoming the expert of what it means to be gay ~ theoretically .
But on the inside - they are still afraid … and will sometimes hide inside heterosexual relationships , with or without children involved , too . Biological children are of course always the perfect excuse to stay in a heteronormative relationship - even an unhappy or subtly manipulative/abusive one - which unfortunately , the child always senses and knows . This excuses the closeted-queer from owning their sexual identity and power , while keeping them trapped inside a sort-of complacency ( that they may label as comfort and stability or use as an excuse to evade embodying their true desires/full self ) - it becomes a form of Stockholm syndrome & is quite painful to witness in someone .
Being someone’s hidden secret and unable to express this shared love with the wider world and mutual contacts , is not an easy story .
For a long time , the closet-case will ask the closeted-case to remain patient . They will tell them they are afraid of society’s judgement , or need time . When things get more serious , they might say - it’s impossible or impractical or some things in life just can’t happen . Then they might deny their own attraction towards the other , telling them all sorts of twisted versions of past stories - gaslighting …
It is a painful and difficult journey - but there are beautiful presents inside each party’s experience . If they are willing to unwrap the package …
••••
This leads us to our final and last label in this very long and secretly hidden blog post - and now perhaps you can ( whoever - you - brave reader - are ) see why I might have made this blog private - it is disruptive , layered , and raw material and personal …. and could trigger many who read it so that meaning underneath would be lost ... by making this blog private - I can still access and express my inner voice and TRUTH , while also protecting my self …
Now - onto - hypocrisy !
What is hypocrisy ?
This is when the performed actions of a persona and the embodied state of being of the human are in dissonance .
Examples of this include :
feminist-activists who proclaim they are radical love and support all female or queer personas through their performed acts , then hide and ghost someone , when they come to these seemingly strong powerful figures for support , guidance , and non-judgemental help .
those who cry out about themselves being hidden on social media through long self-serving videos of their talking heads complaining about the inequality between the patriarchy and female power - and yet when someone from real life approaches them because they themselves are being hidden and unacknowledged for their value and worth - they run in the opposite direction - and then claim this same individual a sick human being who needs psychological therapy .
I have more examples , but let's stick with these two & the general theme being this :
Once the un-comfortability of true confrontation with themselves & their message occurs , these beings have two options :
A / they can embody their message by integrating it and helping the one asking for help - or -
B / they can continue to proclaim and shout out about and perform their apparent issues on the stage of life , while ignoring what just happened , and claiming it a falsehood in itself .
Hypocrisy can also occur in certified healers - healers are usually the ones in need of deep healing and can often do more harm to their clients than good , due to their own inner healing they have not completed . Often - acting the healer - allows them to lose themselves in the story/energy of another , while evading their own inner work , yet still temporarily satiating their desire to actually find that wholeness and stillness within … this is why I rarely go and see healers of “professional” nature anymore - as I have had too many negative experiences where I incurred more harm than good from these people with very long CV’s … I prefer to do my own healing , quietly or alone , or when I work with others , I approach those with less bravado and paper certificates .
Hypocrisy is found in anyone who desires to be something they are afraid to embody in real life : the louder the proclamation , the more buried the desire .
••••
My father is an example of an integrated Hypokrites ( Greek word for actor ) . He struggled with many health issues as a child and young man , and eventually grew so fed up with the bureaucratic and capitalistic American health system as he was tired of taking endless pills and going to endless doctor appointments - he said : enough is enough ! - took his health in his own hands and cured himself of psoriasis , eczema , asthma , and countless other health issues , and then became a leader and guru in the health world , internationally known & celebrated as the Sproutman - for it is mostly with sprouts , he cured himself of all his ailments . He is an example of someone who desperately wanted health and well-being , and through deep inner work and self analysation - was able to arrive at the full embodiment of this desire and thus appropriately and authentically lead others towards their own inner well-being and health .
One thing my father always said was this : each person has their own unique journey & no one knows what is best for them except themselves . Often , it is in sickness or dissonance , we find our own health and from here - can thrive !
I am absolutely paraphrasing his words here ^^^ but generally - one gift my father ( and mother ) gave me - was to never judge another on their actions or how they arrive at their own sense of self-love and well-being .
••••
And on that note - you may consider me a hypocrite , for I have spent the entirety of this very long blog post , labelling and pigeonholing people into categories and boxes - and now suddenly I proclaim that I do not judge ! Ha ! I do this on purpose and this is where we conclude this essay :
••••
Rupert Spira , a contemporary non-dualist spiritual teacher and philosopher , states that in order to become the full embodiment of ourselves , we need to in a sense become everything that we are not . He says : I had to become like you ~ for you to become like me .
Banishment from the proverbial garden of Eden is necessary , in other words . It solidifies into matter and the dense material plane the pure essence of a soul into physical being .
Without betrayal , narcissism , hypocrisy , gaslighting , dismissive avoidant tactics , ghosting , or any other negative action/label from a human being in accordance to their own sense of separateness from the other/whole - we would not again find that wholeness and unity within and without ourselves …
This is not an easy road .
Labels are easier .
They are bandaids we can slap onto another and in this way lose the gift inside their hurtful actions and move on . But to move on , keeps us in a hell loop and the story is repeated again and again , until the package is opened . I know this from experience to be true .
Inside all of these dirty labels ( for that’s what they are ) there are beautiful seeds of real love inside . How do I know ? Well , I dug my hands around , got them dirty in these labels , pulled out these weeds , then planted the seeds , and now I begin to see this bleed into its’ blossomed purified form .
Through self-reflection ( instead of externalised projection ), a very dark night of the soul or ego death ( as it is called often ) , and through countless tedious hours going over the story and extracting the negative traits from it and alchemising these into their positive antonyms , I was able to transform these negative attributes I found within myself and the other from the “story” and find again my own beauty , that had been buried deep within the covered ground …
What a gift ! Soon into last year - when the horrors began - I woke one day with a mantra - which rings true now over a year later :
the bigger the package ~
the bigger the present !
Perhaps cheesy , or seemingly silly , this has helped me open numerous presents from the pain of my experiences to find the gift . And one of the main ones is this : remain present to open the gift . In presence , there is no past or future - all just is - therefore - there is no need to attach to negative stories or labels or changing human emotional states of being . All just is as it is , presently based on our energetic alignment in self/love …
••••
Going back to my father ; non-judgement and unconditional love are two of the key foundational principles I live by . But before - I lacked discernment and forgot to love myself and therefore over-gave to those outside myself .
Everyone has the right and freedom to find their own way back to wholeness - no one has the right to inflict their way upon another being or journey . This does not mean we become another’s closet lover or allow cheating in monogamous relationships ( if this is clarified ) . But it does mean , that should our partner express their need to explore their authentic self beyond us- we do not hinder them in this profoundly essential exploration , while simultaneously , we do not satiate this scared being their desire by lowering ourselves to their level . We do not judge another’s journey , as we do not judge our own . Instead , we allow & because we value and love our own self enough and thus the other as well - we tell them that it is their story to tell ~ as ours is our own , & step back : as this is a solo and soul-searching quest-
individual , unique , and to be completed alone ,
always .
Loving Indifference
From labels , we can begin to orient ourselves in space , but digging deeper underneath their sharp edges , we can find ourselves anew and re-enlivened -
we are never a victim to our stories , others , society , our past , or current circumstances .
The only imprisonment that is real , is the one we create inside our minds - the hell loop is within the cage of the mind and neurological pathways we have built up through cemented belief systems created from personal experience or story .
But - we are not our mind . We are not our stories , or the stories of others . And we are not a labelled nutcase , victim , or perpetrator .
No one is to blame -
*everyone is simply operating at the level of consciousness of where they are at*
and to embody loving indifference ( as Rupert Spira calls it ) does not dismiss , excuse , or erase ( ie. forget ) the hurtful actions from another , but it also forgives both the self & the other , and allows oneself to continue to exist and thrive as true radical love ( ie. Unconditional ) , as it recognises this simple fact**^
Hateful acts are distorted loving acts :
underneath their guise is a deep desire to love and be loved .
Open the gift ,
attach not to the label ,
find inside the Soul .
I am so grateful for all the pain I experienced :
without it I don't know if i’d have come to a place of self-trust/reliance/love/value/worth and strength and no longer caring or needing any form of external validation . I do not judge my counterpart in my story around these labels , whose hurtful actions created such pain for me ( and themselves too ) . Inside there was a gift - one I am still unwrapping , and maybe they are too …
The story between victim and perpetrator is never about the story nor the victim or perpetrator . It is about a piece of love in energetic dissonance within the individual human being . Looking beyond the label - like a tag of someone’s name on a gift beneath the Christmas tree - opening up the heavy wrapping - we might find inside wholeness , love , and acceptance .
I pray our world can move out of fear and into the heart of courage by looking through these nightmare stories and seeing underneath their shadows - the light .
Perhaps all this sounds preposterous , and long-winded : but it is my true experience and the one I am still living and it is this reason - I remain as a quiet light within , growing stronger each day , in the awakening dawning spring sun .
With love ,
An IRL GHOSTBUSTEMPRESS SHADOWBANWITCH
